6 Questions to Ask When Naming a Guardian for Your Children in Your Trust

It’s never an easy question to consider: “Who do I want to take care of my children if I die before they come of age?”

After all, it’s no small task. A guardian isn’t just an extended babysitter; they’re responsible for making all the decisions related to the child’s care, from what school to attend to healthcare decisions like whether they can go on birth control or get an abortion, and of course the thousand small parental decisions that come up every day, like whether they’re authorized to go on their high school camping trip or not.

Even if you already have the perfect person in mind, just considering the possibility can be a deeply emotional and overwhelming task. Add onto that issues of cultural expectations, tricky situations with an ex, friend, or family member, or complicated family dynamics and this question becomes even more loaded. So many of my clients struggle with this, and I have, too!

As a divorced mom of two minor children, I had to put a lot of thought into who would raise my little ones if I was suddenly no longer around. And even though I do this all day for other people, when considering my own family I still came up against cultural expectations as an Asian American, along with the built-in complications any co-parenting situation brings up, as well as family dynamics.

The plus side is, going through this process helped me crystallize a list of questions I now use to help my clients make this decision.

Here are the six questions to ask:

Who is most closely aligned to my values?

This is the most important consideration of all, because you don’t want your kids to end up in a home that clashes with the values that govern your life. Take some time to think about what really matters to you, and who you can trust to live those values and continue instilling them in your children. This might lead you to look at people other than the traditional guardian choices of your parents, siblings, or other close family, but that’s OK. What’s most important is that your children go to a home where you know they’ll be loved, cared for, and raised the way you want.

Who has the capacity to raise my children?

Also important to think about is the logistical side of things: who actually has the capacity to take on raising your children? You might absolutely love your sister, but if she already has 3 kids and works a full-time job, she might not be able to take on more. Similarly, if you’re considering naming one of your parents as a guardian, you have to think about whether they’re going to be able to keep up with your kids, especially as they age.

What type of resources can I give the person raising my children?

People tend to think about this in terms of financial resources, and that’s certainly a consideration. You do need to think about how you want to structure your trust so that everybody gets what they need when you’re gone.

But also think about things like your priorities, your personal values, and your vision for a healthy human. What do you want your children to know about life if you’re not there to teach them?

What’s more, you need to consider how the children’s guardian will interact with the person administering the trust, since they’re the one who’s in charge of managing the finances. While the trustee can be the same person as the guardian, if this isn’t the case, then you need to leave instructions as to how you’d like them to work together.

You may also want to leave your guardian a list of books or podcasts that you read that have influenced your thoughts on raising children so they can get a sense of how you want them to approach things. Similarly, you might want to name a committee of people you want your guardian to consult if they have questions about raising your children. Nobody said this has to be a one-person endeavor!

Where do I want my children to live?

If you have family on one side of the country but your guardian lives on another, you might need to consider whether they’re actually the best fit. (Assuming you want your kids around your family, which isn’t always the case.) You also need to consider things like what school district your guardian lives in, and whether their house is set up for taking care of children or at least could be made child-friendly.

If I’m currently divorced or I later divorce my spouse and they survive me, what guidance would I leave for them if they become the primary guardian?

No matter what kind of relationship you have with your ex, it’s important that you’re on the same page when it comes to co-parenting. This makes a trust with clear instructions critical, because it’s your only means of having a real voice in the co-parenting situation after you’re gone. Consider what things you need your ex to know and any requests you want to make of them. The more you can put in writing, the more likely it is that your instructions will be followed and requests upheld.

And finally, how am I going to explain why I selected the person I selected?

This often comes as an afterthought, but it’s really important to think about ahead of time, because whoever you choose, you’re sending a message both to the person you chose and to all the people you didn’t.

The last thing you want is to end up in a fight over your choice, and you definitely don’t want your choice to come as a surprise either. Aside from being unfair, leaving it as a surprise until after your death means that the guardian won’t have time to prepare any resources to take care of your kids.

So think about how you want to break the news. If you’re not sure, here’s a quick script to get you started.

It’s never easy thinking about what life will be like for your children after you’re gone, but taking the time to really consider this issue ahead of time and set up structures and resources to provide for them is a huge gift.

Don’t let the discomfort put you off. And if you want some help, that’s what we’re here for! Email us at hello@trustduet.com at any time.